Abstract, Life, People

Journey of Self

I thought to redefine self. Not yourself, myself. Perhaps it will be almost crushed and its very core burned to ashes in the process. The process is brutal, painful. Self needs purification so that it can be more than myself or yourself but ourselves. 

When said “Out with the Old and in with the New” what is that, to “self”? The mere thought of changing oneself is both awesome and terrifying. Before you can get the old out and the new in you must know yourself for who you truly are. The truth is painful, like bullets tearing through, as you look deep into your very soul. The light can only shine through the bullet holes left in your eyes. 

When ones honesty and faith are all but taken and lost, what is left behind? Maybe it’s a thought to deep to understand. Without these elements can I redefine myself? Can I even begin to know who I am…the fight to get both of these traits back is long and grueling and leaves me wondering if I will ever find that self I sought to understand. 

Self is broken by spirit, a constant fight back and forth, one trying to rule over the other. 

Talking is but a dull pain in ones side and thinking, like that of wading through water. The feat of taking step after step takes more resolve than climbing the highest mountain. The pain of pushing forward pulls against me like the undertow of the ocean trying to pull me under and wash me away where I will not return. 

When your face can no longer smile and soul can no longer breath from the toxins that float on the breath of every word you hear. The poison fills my blood, my body, the very essence that myself is built of seems saturated and pulls me deeper and deeper into a darkness so thick. Right, wrong, good, bad, all are lost to me. I gasp for pure air but all around me the world closes in. Will I ever understand self and find peace? My bones ache from frozen pain and bruises black from self rotting away as the poisons course through ever fiber of me. I will waste away and never know myself. 

Yet, somehow, the Stars still glow and the sky still blazes blue. The hue of a reflection; a simple wave of understanding. A thoughtful action, an endless meaning, but what lies in the darkness waiting for me in my journey is far to fearful to face alone. Am I a life stuck, walking, and lost forever in Limbo? 

Can a life stop at a Rest Haven? Can my journey lead me to such a place away from this pain and suffering. A place where spirits and sorrows intertwine together in a beautiful yet horrifying collision of dreams and nightmares…

~BlondeHeadedHunk~

Credit: This post was adapted by a submission from ~Malachi~ 

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Abstract, Personal Note, Relationships, Thoughts

Inspirational Demons

We all have those things we do that we are ashamed of. When I am alone sometimes I sit and think about the things I do and wonder why. Obviously non of us are perfect, sometimes I wish I was…you meet someone who you want to be a better person for. That person that you don’t deserve cause they seem perfect. Beautiful, kind, a passion for others and then there is me. It’s easy to get caught in those thoughts and want to tell them that they are better off without you. Then at the same time you don’t want to be without them so you try to fix yourself. Try to be a better version of you for that perfect person, it’s a hard fight to fight alone. Eventually you lose, they see you for you and some stay and some leave. Some try to help you fight but it’s my fight, how do you fight my fight? How can you understand my struggle if it’s not yours. Maybe thats the thing that’s perfect, you want me to be a better me. You are here to help me, support me and strengthen me. You don’t even know what I’m talking about, my fight is my fight. My guilt is my guilt and you can’t change that. I can’t change that. 

I want to be a better person for you, that’s what we all need. Someone to live for, someone to be better for. Someone who we love enough that the love changes us. Melts our cold hearts and strengthens it so we both feel and fight at the same time.

Riddles. It’s all fake. My words, my thoughts, my mind. It all counters itself to find a way to say something without saying it. 

Fear. The thing we fight against but it chases us day to day so we run. 

Strength. What I think I have but maybe I’m weak and strength is the face I wear to hide my weakness and fear. 

Worthy. What I want to be, but am not really. 

Love. The thing I think I understand but in reality have no clue what it actually means. 

Advice. What I pretend to give, what you think I have, when I’m just a fool performing for a myself to make me smile. 

Wisdom. My mind is a pool of thoughts that mean nothing and help no one. 

Stupidity. What is most likely the root of my entire life and controls my actions. 

Direction. I don’t have it. My compass is broken, there is north, there is south.

Challenge. What does that even mean? How do you challenge someone you don’t know? You can’t challenge an idea that doesn’t make sense, you can pretend to but in reality you are just making a fool of yourself entirely. 

Fake. The opposite of what I try to be. I think being fake is the root of misunderstandings and idiocricy. If you begin there then everything beyond that is a lie that will one day crumble and bury you in the rubble of what’s left. 

~BlondHeadedHunk~

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Abstract, Life

Uncertain Abyss

Today has provided me with nothing to write about, but somewhere in the depths of my mind I think I’ve come up with a picture of what I currently am thinking, or not thinking. So whether this is of interest to you or not, I can’t say I have any deep meaning to it. It’s just a picture of my mind. Hope everyone has had a fantastic Saturday night! Enjoy the read!

Walking circles through a seemingly endless abyss. There has to be a way out of here somewhere…light, I see light. I walk towards it only to find that I’ve walked in another circle. Where is the way out? It has to be here somewhere. How did I get here? I can’t remember. I try to retrace my steps, maybe if I walk the other way I will find a way out. No, I’ve seen this before. If only I could go in a straight line it would be so much easier. Eventually I sit down in the middle of the abyss and give up. I can’t make it out, I’ll never make it out of the circle. It has me trapped in its depths, playing tricks on my mind showing me something new that isn’t there. Is this a battle of my mind or my body? My sense of direction or a psychological war between me and the abyss…maybe it’s neither or maybe it’s both. Maybe I will never know or maybe the answer is somewhere deep within me. I attempt to focus my energy on finding the answer within myself but to no avail. There is no one to ask how to get out and no way to contact anyone outside because the abyss blocks everything. Wait, is that the key? If I can’t speak with anyone what makes this abyss so powerful? Again I focus my energy inside, clinging to that singular thought searching for the source. A darkness grows, thicker and thicker, my mind seems consumed by it. It drinks my creativity, my knowledge, my thoughts…stillness. I need to be still, to be empty so the void has nothing to feed on. I push the thoughts out, the worries, the futile attempts at solving the issue. The darknesss seems confused, it begins shrinking, nothing to feed its hunger. Nothing more for it to find as I create an abyss of my own for it to get lost in. I continue to meditate on the stillness, on nothing. The cloud shrinks further, its tendrils pulled in as it loses the strength and will to go on. It seems to find its own circles to walk and at that moment I crush the abyss. Fighting it as though wielding a sword, slashing, cutting. There is light inside of it, the knowledge I need to gain freedom again. It attempts to fight back but has nothing to fight with as I have emptied its cage, it tries to run but doesn’t seem to know where to go. Pulsing darkness, like the beat of a heart, it weakens as it uses its energy to fight back my attacks. The light grows stronger from within, I feed on it, my attacks grow in intensity and lethality as its defenses weaken. With a final shriek of horror the darkness abates leaving the answer behind. Freedom. I have found the answer, it is neither forward nor backwards it is a winding path that I must walk to set myself free. One filled with peril but one I know I will survive, the darkness cannot reach me any longer. It will be back but this time I will know how to fight it, this time I will beat it much sooner. Someday it will never return. 

Tired ~BlondHeadedHunk~ 

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