Journey of Self

I thought to redefine self. Not yourself, myself. Perhaps it will be almost crushed and its very core burned to ashes in the process. The process is brutal, painful. Self needs purification so that it can be more than myself or yourself but ourselves. 

When said “Out with the Old and in with the New” what is that, to “self”? The mere thought of changing oneself is both awesome and terrifying. Before you can get the old out and the new in you must know yourself for who you truly are. The truth is painful, like bullets tearing through, as you look deep into your very soul. The light can only shine through the bullet holes left in your eyes. 

When ones honesty and faith are all but taken and lost, what is left behind? Maybe it’s a thought to deep to understand. Without these elements can I redefine myself? Can I even begin to know who I am…the fight to get both of these traits back is long and grueling and leaves me wondering if I will ever find that self I sought to understand. 

Self is broken by spirit, a constant fight back and forth, one trying to rule over the other. 

Talking is but a dull pain in ones side and thinking, like that of wading through water. The feat of taking step after step takes more resolve than climbing the highest mountain. The pain of pushing forward pulls against me like the undertow of the ocean trying to pull me under and wash me away where I will not return. 

When your face can no longer smile and soul can no longer breath from the toxins that float on the breath of every word you hear. The poison fills my blood, my body, the very essence that myself is built of seems saturated and pulls me deeper and deeper into a darkness so thick. Right, wrong, good, bad, all are lost to me. I gasp for pure air but all around me the world closes in. Will I ever understand self and find peace? My bones ache from frozen pain and bruises black from self rotting away as the poisons course through ever fiber of me. I will waste away and never know myself. 

Yet, somehow, the Stars still glow and the sky still blazes blue. The hue of a reflection; a simple wave of understanding. A thoughtful action, an endless meaning, but what lies in the darkness waiting for me in my journey is far to fearful to face alone. Am I a life stuck, walking, and lost forever in Limbo? 

Can a life stop at a Rest Haven? Can my journey lead me to such a place away from this pain and suffering. A place where spirits and sorrows intertwine together in a beautiful yet horrifying collision of dreams and nightmares…

~BlondeHeadedHunk~

Credit: This post was adapted by a submission from ~Malachi~ 

Inspirational Demons

We all have those things we do that we are ashamed of. When I am alone sometimes I sit and think about the things I do and wonder why. Obviously non of us are perfect, sometimes I wish I was…you meet someone who you want to be a better person for. That person that you don’t deserve cause they seem perfect. Beautiful, kind, a passion for others and then there is me. It’s easy to get caught in those thoughts and want to tell them that they are better off without you. Then at the same time you don’t want to be without them so you try to fix yourself. Try to be a better version of you for that perfect person, it’s a hard fight to fight alone. Eventually you lose, they see you for you and some stay and some leave. Some try to help you fight but it’s my fight, how do you fight my fight? How can you understand my struggle if it’s not yours. Maybe thats the thing that’s perfect, you want me to be a better me. You are here to help me, support me and strengthen me. You don’t even know what I’m talking about, my fight is my fight. My guilt is my guilt and you can’t change that. I can’t change that. 

I want to be a better person for you, that’s what we all need. Someone to live for, someone to be better for. Someone who we love enough that the love changes us. Melts our cold hearts and strengthens it so we both feel and fight at the same time.

Riddles. It’s all fake. My words, my thoughts, my mind. It all counters itself to find a way to say something without saying it. 

Fear. The thing we fight against but it chases us day to day so we run. 

Strength. What I think I have but maybe I’m weak and strength is the face I wear to hide my weakness and fear. 

Worthy. What I want to be, but am not really. 

Love. The thing I think I understand but in reality have no clue what it actually means. 

Advice. What I pretend to give, what you think I have, when I’m just a fool performing for a myself to make me smile. 

Wisdom. My mind is a pool of thoughts that mean nothing and help no one. 

Stupidity. What is most likely the root of my entire life and controls my actions. 

Direction. I don’t have it. My compass is broken, there is north, there is south.

Challenge. What does that even mean? How do you challenge someone you don’t know? You can’t challenge an idea that doesn’t make sense, you can pretend to but in reality you are just making a fool of yourself entirely. 

Fake. The opposite of what I try to be. I think being fake is the root of misunderstandings and idiocricy. If you begin there then everything beyond that is a lie that will one day crumble and bury you in the rubble of what’s left. 

~BlondHeadedHunk~

Don’t You Remember?

I am not a parent. Just want to make that clear right off hand, I am not particularly interested in having kids, at least not anytime soon. However, a friend of mine was talking to me tonight and it seems that when your a teenager and you have a guy/girl you like there is no end to the issues you can get from parents. At least conservative parents. No matter how “By the book” you try to do it, they always come up with some reason that you can’t go out or that you shouldn’t date this guy or that girl and the list goes on. They were kids once too, why does it seem that they can’t remember what that was like? Their crazy dating days where who knows what they did. Of course its all too likely that the reason they object so much is they do remember those days. On the flip side, did they listen when they were told not to do what they are telling you not to do? Probably not. Now my entire goal here, originally, was to sort of ask why can’t parents remember those days and cut some slack. It seems like they forget what it was like to be a kid, to want to go out and hang with your significant other. Go on a dinner date, go to a movie, whatever it is. However, I have a hard time arguing that in some ways because I tend to believe that they are telling us not to do what ever it is because they don’t want to see us get hurt and jaded by the people in our lives that claim to be such great people. They want us to learn from their mistakes, but who can really learn from another persons mistakes? Even if we claim that we did, how likely is it that in a few years, or whenever it is that we have the choice, we won’t go out and do exactly what we were told not to and learn ourselves. I say its inevitable. I am willing to bet that everyone reading this has done something that a parent or colleague told you not to do because they had tried it and it didn’t go well. Could be anything from mixing the wrong alcohol, driving down that street or ordering that food at a restaurant cause whats better than hearing from someone? Doing it and finding out the result.

In a way I guess we are scientist in our own way. Mix this that and the other and boom! It exploded just like we were told, but now we know for sure. Now we won’t try it again because a mistake made and a lesson learned is far easier to adhere to than a mistake not made and a lesson told. So, dearest parents, why can’t you seem to remember that sometimes? You know what the result will most likely be, and I’m sure you are hoping that your kids aren’t just like you and that they will listen. However, this is not a perfect world and those are not perfect kids and I bet they will go and do it anyway.

Now I am not referring to your 6 yr. old that you told not to touch the stove (Although they are going to do that too) but I am talking more about teenagers. I know, awful people, truly the damned worst thing ever, but still they exist (I barely just made it out of that realm so I speak somewhat for myself in saying this). Life is what it is and all we really want is to go on a date with our significant other. So what gives? Where is the line between “You are going to die if you go out” and “Do whatever you want honey, its your life”. I don’t disclaim the fact that guidance is necessary but innocent fun can also be a necessity at times. Let me go, let me enjoy my evening and I will be back at 11pm sharp oh astute parent. All jokes aside though, maybe a little understanding would be great “Listen honey, I know you think you know it all but I just want to say that I will be putting a tracker on you and there is a can of mace in your left jacket pocket. If he touches you then spray him and send me a message. I will come pick you up.” I don’t know, give some sort of alternative? “Tell your man thing to come to the house and we can all watch a movie together” is not what I call an alternative, thats just humiliating torture. Sorry to say, no one wants to meet you right away. Most likely we will only go out a few times, a few months at the most so why get you all involved at this point? Then you want an explanation for why we broke up when honestly all I want to do is curl up in a ball in my room and mope for a week about how awful of a person they were. Just try to see my point of view and I will try to see yours and in the end maybe we can all live happily ever after as parent and child and I can have some fun and we can reminisce about the memories later. I will tell you that you were probably right and I made a mistake, but for now I am not going to admit that.

Your Kid

~BlondHeadedHunk~

Colors of Life

I think life is vibrant, despite its disparity, it has great possibility. It’s all about how you look at it. Happiness is a choice and is dependent upon what you choose, not on what others do. It is not cause and effect; in the sense someone else causes and you are effected. Rather you cause and effect your own happiness and enjoyment of life. There are repercussion of your choices and those repercussions can effect those around you but they begin with you in the simplest form. There are times you cannot choose or it is very difficult to choose at least. However I do think happiness is somewhat relative to us vs. based on someone else. Even depression for some isn’t based on someone else. Its not something you can change always but it is still relative to you, not coming from another source all together. I think its far to easy to blame others for our problems and make them the cause of, what in our eyes, is a deplorable existence on a doomed planet.

I am currently in a situation where I can’t say I always choose to be happy and honestly I hate to admit that its even a choice at all because that means I can change it. However if you are honest with yourself 100% and really stop to look at why you are unhappy, can you honestly blame it on someone else? Maybe right off hand you can say “Yes I can, my ex did this to me” or “My boss said this today” but that means you have no opportunity in life to choose your own destiny. It is all someone else’s choice for us. That leaves you powerless and destined to ride out your days in the hands of someone who you may or may not entirely hate (or strongly dislike).

I may have said all this before in some form or another but with being in the place I am now where I have to basically choose on a daily basis to be happy it brings the idea back around. Yes there are times when things happen and maybe you will spend a day or to upset, sad, seeing no colors in your life from day to day but eventually that pain subsides. For some they can push the pain away sooner than others, move on, let go, feel the happiness shine in like the sun on a rainy day. Some feel that the pain is a way of healing perhaps, or a part of the healing process. I can’t speak for all, I can only speak for me. I tend to cut the ties, cut the pain, cut the heartbreak and move on quickly. I don’t enjoy hurting (unless its a rainy day and I’m lying in bed listening to sad music, then it can feel kinda nice to revel in the pain and disparity) but I do my best to move on from it. I’m not telling you how to live your life or even trying to give you a magic antidote. As always its just another opinion I figured I would throw out to the world to read and come to your own conclusion.

Let the grey go, lets the colors in. Life is full of them, you just have to let them shine through.

~BlondHeadedHunk~